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It's a bit late for New Year's resolutions, but here's one that all divers should adhere to for the rest of time. Never give anything to anyone concerned with television without a written contract that covers payment for your services.
This is known as Beachcomber's Law Number One for all divers.
If you think my advice is a bit hard, you should listen to the wails my Leaks encounter almost daily from those who have given their diving services to a "TV company".
They have shown artefacts from shipwrecks to the camera, guided underwater cameramen around sunken ships, even posed under water in the wreckage, only to find in the end the TV "executive" brushing aside requests for expenses or payment of any kind: "We don't have money for that sort of thing, but we'll make sure that you appear in the programme and get a big credit."
If you believe that, you must believe in sub-aqua fairies. The only appearance you are likely to make on screen is an out-of-focus shot behind the blonde presenter. Any credit will be so small that you can't read it on your screen - if it appears at all.
So let "no pay, no information" be your watchwords. And don't think this something-for-nothing technique of television making is confined to the smaller TV outfits.
Beachcomber's best Bristol Leak has drawn his attention to a request from Jerry Short of the BBC Bristol Natural History Unit, asking divers for video footage of sea life in British waters: "We are looking for any amateur video footage which shows everything from the everyday to the unique. Perhaps you have images of more unusual species coming here because of an increase in water temperatures.
"We are also interested in unusual behaviour of marine organisms and anything that can be used to show the health or otherwise of our waters".
The BBC says it is not paying for any of the material shown, but will credit footage used. Which, thinks Beachcomber, is shameful. The Natural History Unit has produced some wonderful underwater material in the past - are we to believe that none of it ever cost it a penny?
Stick to Beachcomber's Law One. And abide by Law Two: Every diver should have an agent.
Now I am really worried. Despite the wholesale use of my international network of Leaks, there seems to be no news of diver Lindsay Fricker, who has been out of touch since 18 July last year. That was the day on which she had promised to return five Apeks regs and five Oceanic Baja BCs she had borrowed from ICSM Sub-Aqua, the medics' dive club at Imperial College, London.
You will have read in Beachcomber last month that Douglas Matthews, the club chairman, asked for my help. I put my Leaks to work, fearing that Lindsay had lost her memory or that something unexpected had happened to her. But there is still no word.
My Leaks have now established that she is not with her company Subculture, which had premises at 15 All Saints Road, London W11. The company no longer operates from those shop premises. Lindsay's mobile does not respond and her landline number is silent.
She is apparently no longer a PADI member, and Subculture has not been a PADI Dive Centre since 2003. I have a list of its share-holders obtained from Companies House and am now wondering whether perhaps they could help to find Lindsay?
If you come across them - or the lady herself - on a dive boat somewhere, please ask them to get in touch with divEr or with Douglas Matthews at ICSM Sub-Aqua. Then we can all stop worrying about Lindsay.
Since my mention of Fort Bovisand in this column recently, many an email has been dashed off in my direction. I can tell they have been dashed off by the way the text goes up and down instead of in straight lines. They all ask for news of what is happening to the old Plymouth fort, known to hordes of veteran divers simply as "Bovi".
Ever-mindful of my duty to keep you informed, I bullied our beloved Editor into making enquiries for me.
Remarkably quickly, he has forwarded a letter from John Steven of the Wykeham Group of Plymouth to my new third personal assistant in my office on the seventh floor of Eaton Towers. The letter contains exactly what you all want to know about the future of Bovisand...
"We acquired the long leasehold interest in Fort Bovisand from the receiver about 18-24 months ago; we did this via a single-purpose company called Powder Creek Ltd. This company is owned 50% by myself, and 50% by Greg Dyke, the former Director-General of the BBC," writes Mr Steven.
He continues: "We fully intend to reopen the Fort as a dive centre, but with pretty extensive ancillary and accommodation facilities. We are currently locked in battle with the planning department, and the Inspector of Ancient Monuments claims this is a very sensitive site architecturally, and we need to make sure everything is done to the highest of standards.
"This is taking quite a bit longer than we anticipated, and I would expect that we are at least a year away from being able to start work." This letter was written in November last year.
"When we do re-open, the idea is to have a commercial and leisure diving facility, along with the ongoing Joint Services Sub-Aqua Club which is based there.
"In addition, there will be bar and restaurant facilities, holiday accommodation, dive and retail facilities and some office accommodation. We will also have a high-speed regular boat launch on a scheduled basis to and from the Barbican, as you may be aware that the road connections are not very good, so a high-speed boat launch is essential, I believe."
Like the idea of catching the high-speed ferry to Bovi, don't you?
And to visiting the bar with the best sea view in Britain, of course.
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