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My note about forged logbooks last month has stirred up a right old mess of pottage.
I said then that this was the second case of logbook fraud exposed by my Leaks this year, but it may be that I spoke too soon.
One of the Anti-Leaks - yes, there are such creatures - tells me, anonymously of course, that although my Leaks may have come across only two such frauds, the "home-made logbook" is a flourishing industry among unclubbable divers, and not only in Britain. The word is that it is practically a national sport in Euroland.
Can this be true? The Anti-Leak has backed up his claim with some impressive photocopies of logbooks. These bear the names of famous veterans but do not stand the slightest examination, even though they bear impressive authorisation stamps of many a famous dive club.
Beachcomber was about to dismiss all this as an elaborate attempt to blacken the good diving records of celebrities in the higher echelons of British diving, but then he suddenly found his mind reversing back some years.
In memory he heard the young voices of two or three divers, now aged and highly regarded. He heard them scorning logbooks: "Too many dives to log... not going to spend all my time filling in logbooks when I could be out there diving... What do you mean, the diving officer wants to check all our logbooks? I'm not giving him all my secrets..." and so on.
Some positively gloried in the fact that they hadn't entered a single dive in their logbook since they learnt to dive.
Do you remember divers sneering at those who filled in their logbooks after every dive? Surely the sneerers must have had to produce logbooks at some stage in their careers?
The Anti-Leak said that of course they did. Which is why he thinks Beachcomber grossly underestimated the number of forged logbooks in circulation.
He even offered to introduce me to a "propeller-head" who could knock me up a fully authorised logbook within the week - a forgery so good that no one could ever say a word against it.
I refused his offer, of course. But he left me with the impression that he thought
I would be much better off with one of his "new" logbooks.
I can only repeat my warning that every diver must take more care of his or her logbook, keeping it up to date and properly signed up for each dive in it. You should also examine carefully any log offered as proof of fitness to dive with you.
If you have any doubts about a log offered to you, don't give it back. Hand it in to your club or branch for proper examination. Let's put all the logbook frauds out of diving before they kill us.
Those who were responsible for sinking the biggest and most recent British fake wreck - Beachcomber refers of course to the Scylla - now have a lot to answer for.
Not only did they create a boom in dive-boating in Plymouth but, it is said (by somewhat dubious sources), that the sinking has brought millions of pounds from divers and their families into Plymouth shops.
Not that many divers would recognise themselves in that shopping-spree category. Spending in pubs, perhaps; in shops, no.
But the Scylla sinkers are accused by other divers of having taken the excitement out of real wreck diving. The fact is that sanitised fake wrecks have no excitement about them, lacking as they do any real-life tale about their loss, no reports of heroism, no tragedy, no loss.
Even so, Beachcomber's Leaks are reporting from all over Britain schemes to sink similar unwanted Navy ships. Most such plans are a response to reports from local tourist offices that visiting divers are switching to Plymouth, and from diving businesses in those areas that reckon they are seeing their income and bookings from divers fall.
Dorset is leading the way in the rush to sink ships in sheltered spots to cater for all levels of diving expertise. Real wreck-divers are unlikely to visit these sites, which should really not be called wrecks at all - the word shipwreck means, according to dictionaries "an undesigned sinking" - although they may well appeal to novices.
Where will it all end? Perhaps Cornwall, not content with having the Scylla in its waters, has the final idea for fake wreck diving.
It plans to sink off Falmouth a 100m-long "ship" constructed of concrete and covered in rubber to prevent corrosion.
This construction will be made of recyclable materials but, even so, looks like costing £1.5 million. There is already talk of the "wreck" having "rooms" with various entry and exit points for divers, to make this artificial reef more ship-like for them.
Perhaps divers of the future will be entering their fake dives into fake ships in a special fake logbook. Remember, Beachcomber told you about it first...
Older readers will recall the Beachcomber Dating Agency. It was a huge success until unfortunately one of the personal ads turned out to have been contributed by one of the most distinguished correspondents of this august magazine.
Beachcomber was ordered to close down the BDA and apologise profusely to the brunette wife of the author of the offending item, which asked for a "twentysomething bubbly blonde" to enter into an LTR.
Times change, and though Beachcomber has not yet obtained editorial permission to re-open the BDA, no objection has been raised to his reprinting this recent entry from a well-known diver in the personal columns of a national newspaper:
"DIVE IN. Ex-professional deep-sea diver, 39, seeks stunning younger girl for frisky fun times and lots of nights by the fire. Jump in - the water's lovely. Reply..."
Some of my readers may have guessed the identity of this former deep diver. Beachcomber will give you a clue - he is not 39. Add about 20 years and a tendency to obesity for a more accurate picture.
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