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It is often said that an underwater photographer's buddy runs considerable risk of being covered with barnacles due to being stationary in one place for such long spells.
I never really believed this. The idea of barnacles attaching themselves to a diver was ludicrous. However, my best Yugoslavian Leak has proved me wrong, with a shocking report on the new diving danger of barnacle-itis.
Those of a nervous disposition may find this report distressing and should look away now; real divers will read on.
My Yugo Leak says a 23-year-old diver arrived at the hospital at Bar, near the old Albanian border, with a barnacle attached to his penis. He said he had fallen asleep while sunbathing on the beach in shallow water and had awoken to find the clinging cirriped firmly in place.
He could not dislodge it. Nor could a nurse at the hospital using tweezers. However, it finally fell off and a doctor stamped on it. The barnacle, that is.
My Leak swears that his report is true. The nurse is one of his girlfriends and the doctor also confirmed the matter. Apparently, after counselling, the de-barnacled young man is none the worse for his shocking experience.
Diving photographers' buddies should be warned. My Leak suggests they keep moving all the time, despite anything the photographer says to the contrary.
Will the follically challenged "boats officer" of a Northern club please send me three crisp crunchies for the Diver Lifeboat Fund, to celebrate the survival of his club's launching-tractor, after he and his deputy managed to get the whole outfit stuck in some supersticky mud.
The tractor was lifted clear by a crane, only after having been submerged beneath the rising tide. The fact that he says he had been doing a diving job for the BBC at the time is no excuse.
To me swiftly, or I may be forced to reveal what also happened recently when he was "just mucking about". The other diver concerned in that affair has totally forgiven him, but if that Lifeboat money takes too long to reach meÉ
Now here's a nasty tale. My Anglesey Leak sets the scene. It is not the calmest of days, providing the sort of sea that is quite common in Trearddur Bay, but quite manageable all the same.
It is a Sunday afternoon, but few RIBs have launched. One is home to a party of Cheshire divers. From this boat, two young girls are learning their open-water skills at 3m in the bay near the dive shop. Under water with them are an experienced diver and their instructor.
Anchored not far away is an orange inflatable, outboard-powered. Left in charge of this boat is a man in a yellow wetsuit.
Suddenly he spots one of his divers surface outside the bay and sets off at speed across the shallows, heading out to sea to pick the diver up. In his haste he doesn't seem to notice that his anchor Ð a heavy weightbelt packed with weights Ð is still down.
The first the divers from the other inflatable know about this is when the instructor spots a cable cutting through the surface above him, closely followed by the weightbelt. He pulls the girls aside and the belt just misses them, but remains on course for the other diver's head. It misses by an inch or so.
The Man in the Yellow Suit then ignores all shouted advice and heads out to sea again to pick up more divers, the weightbelt still swinging menacingly in his wake. Does he realise how close he came to a serious accident? Do his divers know of his carelessness?
My Anglesey Leak reports that the orange RIB and the Man in Yellow did not return to the Bay that afternoon, where a lot of angry divers would have liked to talk to him.
I would like to fine him for the Diver Lifeboat Fund and to warn him to be more careful in future. This time, however, my Leak can't name him or his club. But I bet you can. Names of the guilty to me now please.
Why is there no entry in the Guinness Book of Records for the largest catch made by a diver with a standard podger?
That was the question I left you with last month, and I asked at the same time for your entries for the largest catch ever podger-made in British waters, so that the record books can be brought up to date.
Just in case anyone has not been following Beachcomber's recent podger-related investigations, let me explain that a podger is not in this case a dry-land scaffolder's tool for tightening and untightening scaffold clamps, but a diver's tool Ð itÕs a neat little hand-spear used for piercing flatfish for supper.
Among the first answers to my question was an amazing tale which, if it can be verified with witness statements given in front of a JP, and if the slightly blurred photographs are found to be untouched by dark-room trickery, may well be an outright winner.
It comes from a veteran member of a North-east diving club who says that the big catch took place on an autumn dive from a small inflatable off Flamborough Head.
So big was the fish that the divers, both women, had been drifting over it for some moments before they realised that it was not a huge rock poking through the shingle.
When the dive leader pulled out her podger, her buddy signalled that she should not take on such a huge adversary single-handed and did her best to pull her away.
During this struggle the turbot, for such it was, remained immobile, with only its rotating eyes indicating that it was alive.
Finally, the podger-woman pushed off her buddy and thrust home her weapon. The enormous fish, which measured nearly 2m in length, strangely offered little resistance and was hauled up to the boat.
So big was it that there was no room for both the fish and the divers in the boat, and even the cox'n had to get into the water to make room for it.
Fortunately another club boat was able to take the prize in tow and bring one and all safely back to shore.
The divers involved claim that the fish weighed 32kg, so big in fact that it had to be taken to a public weighbridge.
This claim for the record podger catch needs verification before submission to Guinness. One of my Northern Leaks is on his way at this very moment to check the details. Does anyone have a weightier podger story ?
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