The colour of love
Will the tall, very dark-haired, mature diver who rates himself as looking seriously young and dangerously handsome, and who left his shampoo bottle in the shower aboard one of the leading live-aboards, take my advice and head for the hills.
I shall require a double crunchie from him for the Diver Lifeboat Fund if I am not to reveal his real age and home address to the ravishing divess who is desperate to meet him again.
The tale behind this love story? Picture the scene. Tearful blonde waves farewell to our hero as the ship's inflatable takes him at his holiday's end back to shore and civilisation. She mourns his passing, but in showbiz style (she has been a repertory bombshell in her time) decides to wash that man right out of her hair.
In the shower she picks up his clearly labelled shampoo bottle and pours it happily over her golden locks.
Alas, it is only when she looks in the mirror that she finds that she is now a raven-haired brunetteÉ
Grave concerns
Every year real divers await my Christmas column with bated breath. And each year they are not disappointed. Nor will they be so at this pre-Millennium Christmastide. Once again I shall not be wishing all of you the compliments of the season or any other tosh on the same lines.
The reason you will not be getting a Christmas card from me is simply that over the past 365 days more than a few miscreants have behaved badly while diving on war graves.
My Leaks have reported many such incidents in the past diving year. Some of these sad affairs might have been caused by ignorance, but as we all know, ignorance is no excuse.
There seems to be a widespread belief among new divers that only naval ships can be war graves, and that in any case all ships that are war graves are designated as such. There also seems to be a notion that it is possible to get a list of such no-touch wrecks in any area by simply ringing the local library.
Diver's long-serving wreck expert, the Auld McDonald who lives down on his West Country farm, tells me that this list is a figment of the imagination of a senior figure in Naval Intelligence. However, he adds that there are a few well-known and properly designated war graves and that submarines are prominent among them.
Reports from my Leaks of diving on such sites have not only robbed decent divers of a Christmas card from me, but more importantly have given all of us a bad name. The worst example of them all was the looting earlier this year of a metal "souvenir" from the conning-tower of HMS M2 (a war grave if ever there was one).
However, despite my outing of this pillage in June, I have yet to hear from any of the grave robber's fellow club-members that he has repented and replaced the stolen item.
It would be a gesture that would be appreciated by all real divers at this time of the year. My patience is running out. Action this day.
Call that excitement?
Though we all know how exciting diving can be, it seems that our enthusiasm is not shared by all in the travel insurance market. One of my London Leaks has unearthed this gem from a press release headed Water Sports Insurance - A Cause for Concern for Holidaymakers:
"While our holiday policies provide medical cover for sporting activities such as water skiing and scuba diving, agents should advise clients intending to sample the more exhilarating sport of jet-skiing to ensure that the supplier of the equipment carries public liability insurance...."
More exhilarating? Fine - so long as they set the premiums accordingly!
Gardeners' question time
My comments about the cheek of dive operators in coral seas who give fancy names even to the most boring dive sites in their area have brought a big postbag.
I was writing about a site inaptly named the Far Gardens, and all your letters picked up on the "Gardens" theme. With one accord you suggested that though these Gardens might have looked like gardens to the first diver ever to see them, they certainly ain't gardens now.
In fact, some of you went on to say that any diver who hears "Garden" or "Gardens" in the name of the site to be visited should immediately demand his or her money back.
Indeed, much wrath was penned about Gardens. Qualifications for such a title were apparently, in the words of one of my correspondents in Surrey: "Gardens are shallow deserts with brown or dead coral, no flowers, and certainly no fish or other mobile life. They are usually so named to save the dive operator fuel, as all are close to his base. Often used as night dives for same reason."
Gardens named and shamed in the letters were: 1) Near; 2) Far; 3) Chinese; 4) Japanese; 5) The; 6) Coral; 7) No Wall; 8) Blue; 9) Sand; 10) Town.
Can you spotlight any others? Names to me with a short description of your pet garden hate. I'll print the best.
Shark screaming for beginners
Now you all know how kind I am to those dreadful journalists. I expect that is why you keep sending me samples of their work. You obviously hope that they will qualify for one of my famous pats on the back.
Take the copy of Travelling Ideas which a beautiful diver called Amanda has sent to me. She draws my attention to an article about diving Down Under by the magazine's specialist travel consultant, one Cinzia Chiadaroli.
Cinzia is most reassuring about diving the Great Barrier Reef, telling us that sharks are very timid. She includes her favourite response to sharks which get too close for comfort:
"Just make yourself big, do not cuddle up onto the reef, show the size of your body and the shark will soon swim away with his dorsal fin bent over. If this technique does not work, then just scream! It is amazing how much sound is carried under water and rest assured the shark will hear you and swim awayÉ well, I tried it and it worked!"
Gosh! Isn't Cinzia brave! What an experienced diver! But then she has to go and ruin it by adding: "Shark encounters are very exciting experiences, so you are likely to use up most of your oxygen in a very short time. Before you know it, your oxygen level in the tank is at the point where you must start your ascent to the surfaceÉ"
Oxygen? Naughty Cinzia didn't pay attention during her diving lessons, did she?
Previous Beachcombers
Appeared in DIVER - December 1999