COMING TO A CINEMA NEAR YOU SOON
Long ago in middle sex, when elves and goblins still rubbed shoulders with men, was a land of green and plenty called Eatondel where dwelt a race of strange, bearded beings.
Taller by far than men, these Nobbits were industrious and generally kindly disposed towards their fellows.
One such Nobbit was Bilbo Bantins. After adventures too numerous to recount, he had retired to the gentle, homely monotony of Middle Sex to reminisce about past exploits in the company of his friends and family. He looked forward to a gentle decline into an eccentric and amiable dotage, his twilit years untroubled by chore or challenge.
How was he to know that the most terrifying test of all awaited him still - that he would be dragged from his pipe and slippers to confront the forces of darkness?
Sir Bernard Eaton and Ted Dington, in association with Eaton Cinema Arts, presents a Diver film: Lord Of The O-Rings.
Produced by Bernard Eaton and Nigel Eaton, Executive producers: Dorothy Eaton and David Eaton. Screenplay: Countless other Eatons. Directed by Kendall Kenneth McKellar McDonald.
SCENE 1. A cosy home in Middle Sex. Bilbo toasts his feet before a roaring fire of unwanted rebreather sets, adoring infants at his knee. This touching family idyll is broken by a sharp rap at the door, which flies open to a reveal an imposing figure in cloak and pointed hat.
BILBO BANTINS: Harrison! My old friend! Come in, come in! What brings you to Eatondel on such a foul night as this?
HARRISON (A WIZARD): Ah, Dildo, my old friend! Would that it were that I should not, yet it being that I must, so then am I come!
BANTINS: Then warm yourself! (And it's Bilbo, actually.) Why, if thou hast strode the many leagues betwixt fair Ellsmere and Eatondel, then you are in sore need of rest and sustenance!
HARRISON: Would that it were not so and yet the fact of it is such that I cannot pretend it otherwise and thus it would be disingenuous of me to deny the isness of it.
BANTINS: Wife! Fetch a quart of ale and a pound of scratchings!
HARRISON: Dildo Bantins!
HARRISON: I will come straight to the point. Ever since the rising up of the dark power - your illustrious father spoke to you, I'm sure, of those dread days - the Ancient Ones of Beezak have battled to resist the lengthening shadow that threatens our very existence.
BANTINS: You mean - PADI?
HARRISON: Hush! The very utterance of its name augments its power! Were that it weren't, but it are. And now, as the grim penumbra of that evil empire threatens to extinguish for all time the spluttering lamp of Beezak, it is written that our future weighs upon the shoulders of a singularly brave and resourceful Nobbit. Thine, Dildo! But tell me, do you still possess: the O-Ring?
BANTINS: You mean that old, frayed fragment of rubber that was my sole inheritance from my brave, if daft, old dad? The one that blew when he was at 50m, trying to saw the telegraph off the ssss Gollum?
HARRISON: Aye, Dildo! Would that it were that it did not have to be so but such is the tangled tapestry of fate that while I would rather have it a millionfold that it were not, yet so it is.
BANTINS: Then yes, the O-Ring resides where it has for 20 years or more, upon that very mantlepiece!
HARRISON: Oh, excellent Nobbit! Then all is not lost! (Coming soon - Part Two)