 |
THE GAME IS UP
I BRING BAD NEWS FROM NORTH YORKSHIRE. Yesterday, three trawlers returned to their home port of Whitby and disgorged their catch of cod upon the quay. It amounted to 12 fish.
This was pathetic, of course, but by no means unusual nowadays. The awful truth is, we have run out of fish. Sorry, dear, the cod's off. And the plaice, haddock, sole and rock aren't far behind.
From now on, you'll have to make do with a saveloy 'n' chips with mushy peas and a deep-fried Mars Bar for afters.
The implications for us divers are particularly bleak.
Diving has never been so simple or so comfortable. But just as we have finally overcome most of the barriers that prevented us from penetrating the mysterious Deep, we have also completed our programme of multiple submarine genocide.
From blue whales to diatomic plankton, we've hoovered up every last sentient marine being and eaten it.
Which leaves us with a serious problem. Now that marine biology is a redundant science, what are we actually going to do under water?
Wait! Did someone shout "Octopush!", or was it just a ghostly echo from the distant past?
Now there was a sport. I can still recall the heady days when at least half the pages of Diver would be devoted to coverage of the clash between the Middlesbrough Octopussies and the Billingham Blennies in the quarter-finals of the North-eastern Conference League Cup.
And what riveting reading it made, eclipsing even the report on the biannual statutory meeting of the BSAC Ways and Means Sub-Committee, abandoned on day five for lack of a quorum.
Those of my vintage will remember how Sir Bernard Eaton swam naked across Lake Geneva in January to lobby the International Olympic Committee - the culmination of our campaign to win Demonstration Sport status for Octopush.
His courage and determination proved in vain, of course, when we were pipped at the post by Badger-Baiting. I've always suspected skullduggery on the part of the badger boys, but it doesn't do to dwell.
Whatever happened to our great sport, you ask, and where are those fine athletes today?
The game was outlawed following the riots that marred the play-offs of the 1993 World Cup. The mood turned ugly when giant-killers Sturminster Parva knocked out Didcot Dogfish in a sensational fourth-round upset. Rival gangs of Octopush hooligans joined battle in the streets around Balham Municipal Baths, and tens of pounds' worth of damage were inflicted on a road sign.
Parliament was recalled to debate the breakdown in public order, and Octopush was summarily banned under legislation originally occasioned by the Crown Green Bowling bloodbath of 1876.
The ban spelled ruin for thousands of professional 'Pushers. Many top players had enjoyed extravagant lifestyles and six-figure salaries. Now, frustrated and embittered, some took to petty crime, attacking unsuspecting bathers from below and robbing them of their jewellery.
Others went "under water", joining the shady world of the illegal Octopush leagues, where no holds were barred and matches often continued for days until the last man drowned.
Yet the story isn't all doom and gloom. In recent months the game has seen a renewal of interest. It seems likely that some limited resumption of play may be permitted under strict controls.
One can only applaud the resurgence of an activity less pointless, if only marginally, than diving in our ravaged, lifeless oceans.
|
|
