THE TWINNING OF DIVE CLUBS? I well remember when Sturminster Parva branch decided to "buddy up", oh, must be 20 years back. What goes around, comes around.
It was Big Norman's idea, though he later denied it. It came under AOB at the branch AGM in the upstairs room of the Cat & Hacksaw.
Norman took a deep draught of Old Badger Breath and wiped the foam from his lips. "One last thing," he began. "It can't have escaped the notice of the membership that the village of Sturminster Parva has recently entered into a twinning association."
"Too right, it hasn't!"came a disgruntled voice from the back. "Daft idea. What does Sturminster have in common with Tokyo?"
"Well," piped up Nigel, ever helpful, "there's Mijenko Pogledic. You know - he works at the SPAR on Sundays."
"He's Croatian," replied Norman, witheringly. "Third generation. His dad's from Huddersfield. Anyway, it occurred to me that the branch could also twin up. With another diving club."
There was a long silence. Then Tim Meek said: "I'm not sure there is a BSAC branch in Tokyo. I could look it up when I get home."
"Forget Tokyo!" said Norman. "We can twin with anywhere we want if it has a diving club. Although perhaps we should try to pick a place that has something in common with Sturminster."
"Hiroshima!" This suggestion was greeted with sniggers.
Big Norman was not amused. "How many times have I got to tell you, it doesn't have to be in Japan!"
"Sodom, then!" Ragged cheers from the crowd, who were anxious to get back to the bar before closing.
Norman closed his eyes. "Look, I can tell you're not taking this seriously. But I've looked into it and I think there would be clear benefits for both parties in such an arrangement. We could visit each other's dive sites and share their local knowledge. We could learn about their society and culture."
"Sodom it is!" cried another wag.
A novice spoke: "Mr Bleathman, does it have to be a real place?"
Norman frowned. "How do you mean, son?"
"Well, since Sturminster Parva is only fictional, couldn't our twin club be fictional too? I was thinking of Narnia." [This is getting too weird. Stick to the point - Ed.]
And so it was that Sturminster Parva Branch was twinned with the National Institute of Oceanic Research in Mogadishu. [I'm warning you, Blackford - Ed.]
The reciprocal agreement was quickly cemented with a visit to Somalia by a party from Sturminster. Nobody had quite appreciated the essentially fluid nature of the Somalian social infrastructure. Wearing full kit, they were parachuted in under cover of night, then transported on camel-back to a heavily defended system of pre-Christian sewers in the hills overlooking the city.
And there they remain. Big Norman is rumoured to have achieved the status of War Lord. In remoter regions, he is revered as a god.
Meanwhile, the first Somalian diving expedition arrived in Sturminster five years ago. Numbering 480, its members quickly evaporated into the Dorset countryside and were never seen again. A similar contingent has arrived every fortnight since.
So I'm whole-heartedly in favour of twinning dive clubs. On the one hand, it's a wonderful opportunity for middle-aged British accountants called Norman to become minor deities. Better still, it's a terrific way of kicking the Home Office when it's down.