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WHAT TIME IS IT? IS IT DAYLIGHT YET?
I need a pee but I can't remember where it is. I wish we hadn't got here so late last night.
I wish I hadn't had so much to drink, either. Four or five pints would have been enough. I really need that pee, I'm going to have to get out of bed and find the loo.
Right, well, at least now I know I was on the top bunk, but fortunately nothing seems to be broken. Yes, Jim, that's right, I fell out of the top bunk. No, Jim, it isn't time to get up yet. And the same to you, old son, with brass bells on.
I think this is the loo. Nope. Try this one. Nope. Last try. If this isn't it, I'm not sure I can wait any longer. It is. Bliss!
Except, it's locked! Oh, come on! It's half past five in the blindin' morning and the bathroom door is locked? What's that all about?
Hang on, what's that? Thank goodness, a toilet!
There, much better. Don't like the sound of the weather though, sounds a bit windy, and I'm certain that was rain against the window. Oh, well, plenty of time, I'm sure it'll calm down.
Now, which room was I in, and how do I get back in the top bunk without waking Jim up again?
Well, it certainly wasn't this room, but that bed hasn't been slept in. It'll do.
What time is it? It's daylight, anyway. Seven. Time to be up and about. Time, in fact, that everyone was up and about. Come on, you lot, time to get up!
The same to you, again, Jim! And why is the bathroom still locked? Come on out of there!
Morning all! Did we all sleep well? Good job we're in a B&B, none of you lot looks up to eating breakfast, let alone cooking it. Yes, I know, I feel as lousy as the rest of you, but it's nothing a greasy fry-up won't cure.
Where's Martin going? Ah, yes, I see. Well, hear, really. It must have been the mention of the fry-up that did it.
Most of us seem to be here, anyway. Anyone seen Alice yet this morning? Not since the kebab. Was the kebab before or after the pub? I dunno which pub, how many did we go to?
Tea! I might just survive the hangover if I get enough of it. Yes, Jim, I thought it sounded a bit windy earlier. Is there a radio or a telly so we can get a weather forecast? Turn it on, then!
Force 5 or 6, rising 7 later with heavy rain and limited visibility. OK.
Let me see if I've put it all together yet. I've got a hangover, I don't remember much about last night except getting here really late. Martin is throwing up for England, and making far more noise about it than he needs to. We've apparently lost one member of the party already and the weather forecast is crap.
It can only be a diving weekend.
What do you mean, the bathroom door is locked? Why tell me? Yes, I know I'm dive marshal for the weekend, and I know I organised the trip, but you're a big lad now, Steve. Just bang on the door until whoever is inside gets the message.
Actually, as long as you just go away and leave me alone until I've had another two mugs of tea, I don't care what you do. I really wish I hadn't had so much beer last night.
You have been banging on the door? I thought that was my head. Let's have a look at the lock, then. Good, we can open it from the outside.
At least that answers the question about Alice. No way am I going in there. Sharon, front and centre, I think Alice may welcome being woken by another woman.
What was she drinking? I value my brain cells too much to drink Depth Charges.
Welcome back, Martin. Feeling better?
Ahhh, breakfast. Extra fried bread for me, please. And I'll have that one as well. Martin won't want it when he gets back.
Hello, Alice. It is Alice, isn't it? Bit difficult to tell, what with the mascara having run and your knuckles brushing the ground that way.
Bit like talking to a panda. A bad-tempered panda. Now, now, Alice, it wasn't me that got you onto Depth Charges. Just eat your breakfast like a good girl!
Right then, time to be off to the marina.
I beg your pardon, Dave? Yes, I did indeed hear the weather forecast. Yes, it was indeed force 5 to 6, 7 later, and heavy rain. And no, it won't be nice diving in that lot.
Let me explain it to you. We paid a dive-charter skipper up front, which means that if we don't turn up he says we cancelled the booking and we don't get our money back.
Of course, we do get our money back if he cancels due to bad weather, but unless we pass Noah loading animals onto the ark, or a comet strike raises a freak tidal wave that extinguishes all life as we know it, that just isn't going to happen, so just get your kit together like a good lad, and put it in the back of the van.
And here we are. Blimey, I've never seen waves breaking over the jetty before. And it looks really lumpy out there. Really, really lumpy. I really, really wish I hadn't had so much to drink last night.
Morning, skipper. Weather looks a bit rough to me.
You know a place where the headlands provides shelter when the wind is blowing from the north-west? What a surprise. And is the wind in fact blowing from the north-west? Near enough. Another surprise. And you're confident that you can provide us with a day packed to the brim with excellent diving? Surprise number three.
We'd best get our kit loaded, then.
The one real benefit of being dive marshal is that I get to stand in the cubby with the skipper. Not a bad old soul, really, and the tea's good and hot. By Ôeck, though, but it's raining out there.
Wow! I thought you said you knew a sheltered spot? You do, we've just got to cross the bay to get to it? And how long will it take to get across? As long as that, eh? Good job I'm in here nice and warm and dry, then, not out there.
Tell me, skipper, should the water be coming across the back deck like that? And how far can the boat roll before she won't self-right? She's a converted lifeboat? Oh well, not to worry, then.
What was it you wanted, Jim? Skipper says we'll be in the shelter of the headland very soon now. No, I'm not opening the door, not when it's raining like it is, you'll just have to read my lips. What was that about Martin? He's not very well?
None of us are very well this morning, old son, tell him to stop being such an old woman and shut up. This is proper British diving, this is.
How's Alice doing? She afraid she's going to die? Could you ask her to do it quietly, then?
Thanks, skipper, another tea would be lovely. Milk but no sugar, please.
You were quite right, it isn't anywhere near as rough over here. I'll just poke my head out and see that everyone is OK. It's important that the team are kept happy.
Well, no need to be like that about it. I'm going to be out in the wind and the rain with the rest of you soon enough.
What are we diving here, skip? You tell me and I'll brief the boys and girls.
OK, everyone. You've all seen that the weather is a bit rough, but the skipper has found us a site regardless.
What is it? It's a nice little reef. Yes, I know we booked to dive wrecks, but take a look back across the bay. We really don't want to be out there diving in that lot, do we? No, so the nice little reef it is. Maximum depth about 5m.
I know it isn't very deep, but frankly I don't think either Martin or Alice would be safe snorkelling in the bath today, let alone doing a deep dive. And if we were going any deeper, I'd feel duty bound to dive with one of 'em, and that would mean one of the rest of you diving with the other. Any volunteers? Thought not. So the nice shallow little reef it is, OK?
Start getting kitted up, time to go diving! Alice, you take Martin with you. No sense putting anybody else at risk.
At last, my turn! Oh, wonderful. The bottom is so stirred up I can't see my hand in front of my face. Buddy diving be damned, this is a hand-holding job.
Best plan is to just bimble around for a bit, then hope like hell we surface close enough to the boat for it to look respectable.
About now should do it. Are we still going up? I know we've left the bottom, but I can't tell if we're going up, down or sideways. I can't decide if it's the hangover or the viz. I wish I hadn't had so much to drink last night.
Ah, we were going up, and so steadily that my computer hasn't even bleeped. Mind you, we only just got deep enough for it to turn on. All three contacts have to be wet at the same time. And we're exactly beside the boat, what a result!
Oh, thank you so very much, Martin! Never mind, it'll wash off, I'm amazed you've anything left to heave.
How are we doing, all back aboard safe and sound? We are? My word! And how's Alice? She's afraid she's going to live, and she's never drinking again. I know just how she feels.
What's the weather doing? Rising to 7 with extra rain. Well, can't say we weren't warned.
What do you reckon for the second dive, skipper? Back across the bay and into another sheltered little reef in 5m? How did I know you were going to say that? And why didn't we just go there first thing this morning and save ourselves the thumping we got crossing over the first time?
No, forget it, it sounds like the perfect plan. At least we'll be closer to the jetty, so we'll be off the boat a bit quicker. The way I feel today, the faster we're back on dry land the better.
Well those were a couple of dives to forget. Never mind, we'll all feel a lot better when we're in the pub. Your shout, Alice.
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