Snapped up
In October I was diving the James Eagan Layne near Plymouth. To my astonishment, a large cod I was photographing mistook my camera for a tasty morsel, swallowed it and swam away before I could catch it. My insurance company is dithering about my claim, but surely I'm entitled to compensation? F Stop, Norwich

You'd be surprised how often this happens. I'm afraid you'll be lucky to get any money at all out of your insurance company, as Acts of Cod are specifically exempt from cover in most policies.

Tanked up
For a long time my girlfriend and I have fantasised about making love under water. Recently our dreams came true, but the magic was quickly shattered when we were arrested at the surface by the police. Now we have to face the humiliation of court, and possibly a large fine. Surely this is wrong? I N Flagrante, Bangor

If you must insist on sub-aqua sex, surely you can find somewhere private to do it? I think the aquarium staff were right to call the police. You deserve all you get.

Fresh and fragrant
I purchased a brand new wetsuit only two months ago. Already it smells quite horrible, but when I contacted the manufacturer, I was just told to wash it. This seems absurd, considering it gets a damn good rinse every time I go diving. What are my rights as a consumer? Mrs P Bladder, Bath

I agree - it is ridiculous that anyone has to wash a wetsuit. The manufacturer has a lot to answer for, but there is little you can do if it is being so stubborn. Don't worry, there is a solution. Simply slip a few Turtle Wax car air-fresheners inside your wetsuit before a dive and you'll always come up smelling of roses, lemon or a pine cone.

Wrasse decision
I really enjoy deep diving, and recently I've done several dives to 50m or more. On my last deepie I encountered a large wrasse which followed me around for a while. All of a sudden, a compelling urge to stroke it tenderly came over me. Could this be the effects of nitrogen narcosis? Dave Marshall, Birkenhead

Stop kidding yourself! There's no need to be ashamed! These days, more and more people are coming out and admitting they like fish. Why, only last Friday I fancied a bit of fish myself.

Side view
Following a series of deep dives recently, I've been feeling a bit strange. I'm experiencing tunnel vision and have difficulty walking, but my doctor says there's nothing wrong with me. Do you think I should see a diving physician? Wally Walters, Frome

I spoke to your doctor, who said that your tunnel vision and walking problems will disappear as soon as you take your mask and fins off. Get your head tested.

No backbone
I started an Open Water Diver course this week, and I'm due to go in the sea this coming weekend. I must admit, I'm not looking forward to the cold and wet one bit. Have you any words of encouragement for me? Jack Stay, Littlehampton

It might be cold and it might be wet, but as a diving instructor you should expect to get cold and wet now and again. People have paid good money for your course, so stop whingeing and get in the water.

Marguerita to go
I recently had all my diving equipment stolen. I phoned the police as soon as I realised, but they took nearly two hours to respond. When they eventually arrived, they didn't even apologise for being late. Then they told me I'd be lucky to get any gear back at all! On the other hand, I called Pizza Hovel last night and not only were they here in 15 minutes, but they gave me a free bottle of Coke and some garlic bread as well! What the hell is going on around here?
Carrie Beaner, New Malden

You're right to be concerned. I think there is far too much demarcation between the emergency services. The sooner they have one phone number for Police, Ambulance, Fire and Pizza the better.

Blood simple
I cut myself under water last week and was shocked to find that my blood appeared green. I'm worried. Does this mean that I'm a space alien?
N U Rotic, Marston

I doubt if you are a space alien, so don't worry about that. However, I am certain you are a complete berk with the IQ of a carpet tile, so worry about that instead.

Environmental disaster
My council provides a large plastic box for recycling paper, glass and plastic bottles. I've found it to be the perfect size for storing and transporting my dive gear. However, my new flatmate came home late one night after a few too many beers and put the box outside the front door. When I woke up, I was shocked to find that my dive equipment had all been "recycled". What are my options? Ed Case, Greenwich

This is a clear example of negligence on the part of your council. If it had had the foresight to print a warning on the side of the recycling box about the dangers of using it for storing dive equipment, you would still have all your gear. My advice is to sue their pants off, and then any other articles of clothing they might happen to be wearing.

Forget it
Lately I find that am constantly turning up for dives without some essential piece of equipment. Mask, fins, weightbelt, cylinders - barely a week goes by when I don't forget something, and have to sit out the dive. My buddies are getting fed up with me. What can I do? Ann Nesia, Birmingham

My learned friend, Dr Sigmund Fraud, tells me that you are suffering from a recognised psychiatric disorder known as Hopeless Dickhead Syndrome. It has no known cure, but if you send Dr Fraud a cheque for £1000, he will think up some lame excuse about you not being forced to tidy your bedroom enough when you were little, thereby enabling you to blame the whole thing on your parents and absolving you from any responsibility for your actions.

Daylight robbery
I recently removed something from a historic wreck and now I feel guilty. Should I? Andy Rummage, Saffron Walden

Yes, you should, you bastard! That was my CD player and my Austin Allegro you took it from! Give it back!

Dark thoughts
The current trend towards black "technical" diving gear intrigues me. Do you think we are ushering in a new era of Puritanism grounded in a deeper respect for the sea? Are we mourning the degradation of the sub-aqua environment?
Donna Black-Gere, Professor of Social Anthropology, Liverpool University

I agree - it is possible that we are becoming more puritanical. Certainly many more of us are concerned about the environment these days. However, I think we're choosing to wear black because it makes us look a whole lot tougher when we're kitting up in the car park. Well, we all like to pretend we're James Bond now and again, don't we? And which of us can say he hasn't turned his torch off and snuck up on someone during a night dive, tapped them on the shoulder and scared their pants off? Not many, I bet!

Taking the urine
I recently got stung by a jellyfish and was told by a friend that the best thing to do was to pee on it. Is this true?
Barry Trauma, Taunton

Peeing on it is by far the best thing to do and will make you feel much better. You'll be very lucky to find the right jellyfish, however. Let's face it, it's probably miles away by now.

Star prize
I'm a 19-year-old lingerie model. Recently I took a snorkelling course, and ever since then I've been obsessed with diving instructors. Barely a moment goes by that I don't imagine myself cuddling up to a man in neoprene. Lately, things have got so bad, I've taken to hanging around dive shops and boat ramps, desperate for a glimpse of a rubber-clad man. I think I'm going crazy! Help me! Dee Scent, Clacton-on-Sea

Your letter of the month has won you a fabulous scuba course, generously donated by me. This terrific prize includes one-on-one tuition, designed to get you going in no time at all. Congratulations!