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WHAT DID YOU SAY?
It was a rare moment of revelation. It was 7am in the North Sea. The sky was grey and overcast. I'd made the mistake of wandering onto the deck in my undersuit, and been slapped face-on by a breaking wave.
The skipper circled the boat over the dive site, and as he glanced into the depths, he remarked: "Hmmph - viz is a bit ordinary."
I looked over the side, and the sea was the consistency of soup. I could practically see the individual plankton fighting for space with the silt.
What he meant was: "Viz? Do me a favour. You'll be lucky to see your hand in front of your face down there."
It was skipper-speak: a coded message. As I hugged my mug of tea to my chest, a ray of sunshine pierced the clouds and I recognised the truth. All of us are speaking in scuba code, skippers are just the most obvious.
"Conditions are looking a bit marginal" I can't be arsed to take you too far, we'll do something closer inshore.
"Could you move that?" Shift your bloody gear now, before it gets caught in my shotline.
"Mustn't grumble." So, are you buying my beer all night or what?
Diving instructors addressing students must have some of the best euphemisms going. Virtually every word is in heavy disguise:
"That was an interesting dive." That was rubbish. After flailing about and ruining the viz, you did a great impersonation of a human yo-yo. Are you trying to kill me or what?
"Basically, it's for your own safety." Just do as I say, you complete moron.
"Let's work on that in the pool." You failed, you need to start again.
"I missed your signal to ascend." Throwing a wobbler and bolting for the surface is not the correct way to end a dive. Idiot.
Diving Officers are masters of blag - how do you think they got there?
"I've selected the dives to best suit the requirements of the group." I've selected the dives to best suit myself.
"I expect everyone to keep to the dive plan." Because I won't be there.
"It's a safety issue." How dare you question my authority!
If you listen to dive buddies discussing their dive, you can usually pick up the real meaning behind the chat.
"Did you see that John Dory?" There was no John Dory, but now you'll have to admit that my dive was better than yours!
"Your signal wasn't clear." I didn't see any signal because I was finning in the opposite direction and ignoring you at the time.
"What does your computer say?" I have absolutely no idea what happened on that dive - did I miss a stop?
We all know that tekkies speak another language, but the meaning behind some of the things they come out with is pretty transparent.
"I'm an Extreme Diver!" I believe that my extra D-rings will compensate for my sad lack of diving skills.
"I prefer to dive solo." I'm such a liability, nobody wants to dive with me.
"I'm Doing It Right." I have surrendered my brain to a quasi-religious dive cult and will pour scorn on unbelievers from the safety of my e-mail account.
"If you pioneer the boundaries, you have to expect arrows." Yes, I am a complete numpty and everybody hates me.
Well I was feeling rather pleased with myself for cracking the code until I clambered back on the boat after the dive. "Good dive?" asked the skipper. You bitch! What kept you? I'm gagging for my lunch.
"Yeah, good. Bit dark," I replied. Disaster! Lost my buddy, got snagged on the wreck and totally crapped myself.
The shaft of sunlight was disappearing, and I was left considering that perhaps this scuba-speak isn't such a bad idea.
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