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SMOKE ON THE WATER
LOUISE TREWAVAS
THE FIRST THING I DO AS I BREAK THE SURFACE is to look around for the boat. There's something pleasantly reassuring about the sight of a bow cutting through the waves as it heads towards me.
Already I'm contemplating the luxury of stripping off my drysuit for a visit to the loo, swiftly followed by a nice hot cup of tea.
But I'm swept aside by a diver who is making for the ladder like a human Aquazepp, and left with the words Force Fin imprinted on my forehead as he launches himself at the deck - using me as a preliminary rung.
Bursting bladder? Pursued by a great white? No, it's just plain fag frenzy. By the time I'm on deck, he's planted on the bench, still in full kit, happily puffing away. "Sorry, babe, didn't mean to barge!" he says, waving his cigarette gregariously in my direction. Cheeky tart.
In fact, lots of divers I know smoke cigarettes. And more. I guess if your idea of fun is to throw yourself into 60m-plus of sea water, the frisson added by risk of personal injury may well be part of the allure.
Smoking and diving is a taboo subject - it beats even DCI in the denial stakes. Any magazine daring to publish a photo of a diver with a cigarette must prepare to be bombarded by hate mail and high-horseyness of comic proportions.
I once published a photo of a girl sitting kitted up in her twin-set, having a crafty fag while waiting for a dive. It was a bit like waving a cartoon of the prophet in front of the Mujahedeen.
Some people find smoking offensive. So offensive that smokers are now being relentlessly hounded in every area of life; banned from smoking at work, banned from smoking in pubs and on public transport - including bus stops.
Where I work, smokers are banned from leaving their desks to go outside for a fag break and banned from smoking within 50m of any council building; which, in Islington, means venturing to Hackney for a smoke. A far more dangerous prospect than the risk of lung cancer.
It's gone way beyond making sure that smokers don't inflict their smoke on others. Bullying and humiliating people "for their own good" is the latest trend. I don't know about you, but just the sound of Gillian McKeith's voice is enough to make me want to stuff my face with lard - what the heck will there be left to enjoy when even fizzy lemonade and tea-drinking are listed as cardinal sins?
So what does this have to do with diving? Diving: that'll be a sport that has no purpose other than pleasure, and where people routinely risk personal injury and (occasionally) death by taking part in it.
Divers selfishly - some would say recklessly - use up the valuable resources of both the emergency services and the NHS. Unlike smokers, we don't even pay huge extra sums in tax!
The biggest danger we face today is not from our diving activities, or our personal vices, or even a delicious combination of the two. The real risk comes from people who want to protect us from what we want; people who regard their version of "the greater good" as
a perfect excuse for behaving very badly towards the individual.
First they came for the binge-drinkers, with police vans and ASBOs. I didn't speak out because I'm not an alcoholic.
Then they came for the smokers, and I didn't speak out because I don't like cigarettes. Next they came for the fatties - which wasn't too hard, because the fat can't run very fast.
Then they came for the divers. But they had a hard time finding any, as most had already been picked up in the previous sweeps!
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