| Almost an eighth of the UK population is disabled - and that includes only those who are registered as such. How should they fit into the world of diving? Maggie Cainen has strong views |
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Who wants disabled divers diving with them? And what do we mean by disabled, anyway? Is it people with missing limbs, defective hearing, vision, speech or mobility? Or should we also be concerned about those who have less obvious disabilities?
Our club recently received a generous Lottery Funding grant. We are now proud owners of splendid parking facilities for the disabled, a shower and toilet and wheelchair-friendly access.
We had three physically disabled divers in our club but one retired recently aged 80, deciding that enough was enough. Number two was left with half a hand after a nasty industrial accident, and he hasn't dived lately either, which leaves number three, a double-hip-replacement diver.
It must be very lonely as the solitary user of that disabled toilet and shower. It must be even lonelier when you realise you've been left off a dive list because people see you as a nuisance or a liability.
Be honest, do you really want to dive with someone with only one operational hand? Does your heart sink when you're paired with the person with artificial hips, who always needs help getting back into the boat? And for that matter, do you find excuses not to dive with the fussiest novice or worst air-guzzler in the club?
In this era of "equal opportunities for all", isn't it an awful indictment of society to exclude anyone with a physical handicap? Yet how many times have I heard the words: "You know the rules - if you can't carry your kit, you shouldn't be diving"?
Let's look at some of the less conventionally disabled divers. Take the "psychologically challenged", those very nervous folk who cling around your neck and have to be dragged along, eyes popping from sockets as they guzzle tankfuls of air. They have to be cajoled into the water and babied before becoming able divers, and an awful lot of people will have had very boring, frustrating dives with them.
What about those smokers who pollute the club, often guzzle air by the tank-load and have problems finning at the surface? Do you want to be out with them if the weather turns foul and you have to swim for it?
What about the heavy drinkers who turn up for dives green with hangovers, and vomit over the dive boat? They aren't great to dive with; they get narked easily and are an incident waiting to happen.
What about the constantly seasick? It isn't much fun in the dive boat with people throwing up all over you, and they can get narked on their cocktail of anti-emetic pills.
It occurs to me that in future we should not allow such specimens to dive with us. We should have strict swimming tests every year, with everyone required to prove their ability to fin 1000m in full kit in rough seas.
Air-guzzlers should be singled out, too. Anyone who needs a 15 litre bottle for a 30 minute, 10m dive must circuit-train in full kit to increase stamina or be excluded permanently until they prove they can do better. While we're at it, we should exclude overweight divers - it's no joke hauling a 16 stone bloke back on board, or hefting his 18kg weightbelt in, either. We can appoint a marshal to check body fat before every dive, using club callipers.
Let's bar wetsuit divers. They whinge about being cold all the time and you end up curtailing your dive and treating them for hypothermia. They'll steal your woolly hat and waterproof jacket, drink your flask of hot coffee and eat all your Mars bars.
And nervous divers can be weeded out using psychometric tests under strict supervision before every outing.
Short-sighted divers are bad at navigating with a compass and never find their way back to the shot, while the aurally challenged might miss the sound of that cross-Channel ferry overhead and surface inopportunely.
Weaklings are out, of course. They will be subjected to compulsory weight-lifting tests in the club, with a 15 litre tank slowly raised in each hand and held above the head for 60 seconds prior to diving.
Ability to tow a 20 stone buddy 500m in rough seas will be tested annually.
The financially challenged are simply a nuisance - no one should be able to dive with patched or borrowed gear, and state-of-the-art kit must be purchased annually (receipts required).
We don't want old people. There's no room for their Zimmer frames on the RIB, but then again, youngsters are irresponsible and never pay their deposits on time for club trips to Chuuk lagoon or the Galapagos islands.
Do you remember Aldous Huxley's Brave New World, in which the superior Alphas and Betas do all the clever stuff while the intellectually challenged Gammas did all the dirty, boring chores? Are we now trying to create a Brave New Diving World?
I'd certainly be excluded if we are. As disabled diver number three, despite all the help I receive from my club, I'm definitely sub-standard.
Those of you with less than perfect bodies and with any kind of psychological or physical handicap should be afraid, very afraid.
Applications for the Perfect Divers Club will be processed by strict order of bank balance (credit references obligatory).
Cheques should be made payable to CASH (Competent Able Self-satisfied Humans) and forwarded for membership of what is a very exclusive club indeed.
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